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Week by Week

Three Births

I was 37 when I had my first child: we now have 3. Alan and I are both medical research scientists, and most of the people around us thought we were completely mad to have a child anywhere but in a hospital. In fact, Alan was resistant to the idea, and haughtily asked the midwife on the first visit if anyone there was medically trained. If he hadn't been so worried (He has since become a huge advocate of non-hospital births) I would have loved to have had a baby at home. I started with an OB/GYN, and had a hospital tour, and realized that the lack of control really bothered me. It seemed to me that a hospital could only do what it was set up to do- manage crisis, even if it had to manufacture crisis to manage it. I loved the maternity center- prenatal visits were fun and relaxed, and it was a warm an supportive atmosphere.

Zoe 1-21-91 7 lb, 1/2 ounces

5 days before my due date, I awoke to find a tiny spot of liquid on the bed. I thought perhaps I had laughed and peed in my sleep, and actually felt a bit embarrassed (I think it was the last time I was embarrassed about anything.) and didn't mention it to Alan, my partner. It was a holiday, Martin Luther King Day, but I thought I'd go in to work for a few hours. Alan and I worked quite close to our apartment in Manhattan- anyway, with 5 days until the due date, and my presumption that the baby would be 2 weeks late, and my complete ignorance (denial?) about the meaning of the fluid on the bed, the baby wasn't yet an issue. We didn't have a diaper in the house.

At work in the late morning, I noticed that I had a slight backache. Strange, I thought, because I hadn't had one at all during the pregnancy, and continued working and forgot about it. Again, I noticed the backache. I presumed the backache was constant, and I was just forgetting about it as I worked...incidentally, the work I was doing was alot of tying up loose ends-in retrospect, it was probably my way of nesting...but then it occurred to me Hey, maybe my awareness isn't coming and going, maybe the back ache is coming and going! Maybe these are CONTRACTIONS!

And they were. A jovial holiday crowd of people were going to lunch together, and asked if I was coming...I said no, I think I'm having a baby today. Everyone laughed, as I certainly didn't seem to be in labor. But by the time I went home, around 2:00, I knew that I was having contractions. They were coming were every 3-5 minutes, and I had to hang on to the wall during them. Holy Hannah! Alan waas home, and ccalled the Maternity Center and hurredly packed a bag- I remember packing a few books, and a New Yorker, thinking I would have plenty of time to read before the baby came. Alan was also still strangely in denial. I found him going through the file cabinets, looking for the papers we would need to get married (we had been together for 8 years, and had intended to get married before the baby was born, but never got around to it..), as if we had all the time in the world to take the train downtown and apply for a license.

We hopped in a cab, and took the long 1 mile trip to the center. I was 4 centimeters dilated (and with my waters broken, the midwife could see the baby and reported that she had lots of black hair!), and we immediately went into the shower and stayed there for 2 hours. Due to a bizarre set of circumstances, only 1 midwife was at the center, and friends of ours from the birthing classes were in the room next door, laboring just ahead of us. THis meant that we saw the midwife or the assistant very little- the disadvantage, that we were not sure of the progress of the labor, was nothing next to the advantage of feeling that we were doing it ourselves, that it was our trip. And it was. My sister was on her way and didn't arrive until after the birth, and I was rather glad- I found that I liked being alone with Alan, that I could go into the contractions without having to try to talk or maintain a connection to the rest of the world. Alan and I had giggled through the breathing part of the classes, so neither of us remembered what we were supposed to do, but I knew and breathed to my own rhythm. And I yelled alot.

Transition was wild. I shook, and vomited, and had no idea that I was in transition (I had read every book, gone to classes- but I still didn't believe that I could be so close.). And suddenly, the intense pain was gone and I needed to push- it was as compelling a feeling as vomiting, and as impossible to stop or control. Alan leapt out of the shower and ran naked to the other room to tell the midwife (who was just catching the baby), and I was soon on a bed in a darkened, quiet room, getting 5 pushes out of every contraction for what seem like minutes, but was half an hour. It is ridiculous, but I still didn't think it terms of a baby. And suddenly, at 6:25 , Zoe was born, and was lying on my chest, and the tears burst out of a part of me so deep that I had never known it existed. It was the single most profound, lovely, and extraordinary moment of my life. Zoe was alert and never cried- she turned her head and looked all over, for hours. Her head was covered with long black hair (at 5, she is a blue-eyed blonde), and she was such a peaceful but vital presence! Her personality is exactly as it seemed in those first minutes- calm and knowing.

That night was warm and wonderful. Friends from the lab came by, and held the unbathed and peaceful baby. My sister arrived, thinking she had hours to go, and someone got some pizza and more Gatorade ( I had drunk a few liters during labor and I still can't look at it in a grocery store without growing terribly sentimental.) and we chatted and held lovely Zoe, who nursed a few times during the evening. We could have gone home in 4 hours, but it had snowed that day, and was so cold, and we felt so happy, that we decided to stay in the cozy room for the night. Alan slept, and ZOe slept, and I watched them both in the soft light, still completely astounded.

Petai 6-12-93 7 lbs, 14 oz

Because Zoe's birth had been so fast, we expected Petai's to be a whirlwind. On the morning of the 12th (10 days before the due date) I started having rather gentle contractions, and went over to the lab to round up someone to watch Zoe until my sister could get to the city. We got to the Maternity center about noon, on a bright sunny day, and found that I was 4 cm dilated. But rather than accelerating, things slowed down, and my ocntractions were only 7-8 minutes apart. We walked around the block, ate some guacamole and crackers and salad and watched the people- in fact, it was one of the nicest and only days that Alan and I had spent alone sonce Zoe was born. We sat in the garden, we made phone calls, we took a shower, but the hours went by with nothing but rather gentle contractions. I was dilating. I was all for having my waters broken but the midwife (and a student midwife) was reluctant, saying "Why? You are having such an easy labor." And it was true, it was just different, so different that the first experience gave no real clues. The day passed. The midwives thought an enema might be worthwhile around 7 or 8, but I took one look at the set-up apparatus, and contractions began coming in earnest immediately! Now I really remembered what labor felt like, and the ride began. I went almost immediately into transition, and then had to push. THe pushing was much tougher than with Zoe: I pushed for an hour, and it never felt right. It turned out that Petai's shoulder was a bit twisted, and he really didn't want to slip out...but we tried a few changes of position, and Petai was born at 9:10. How can one be so lucky to have the pleasure yet again? My sister and her husband brought Zoe over right away (We had discussed having Zoe at the birth, but I thought that I wouldn't be able to focus as well. She would have been fine, though.) and she was thrilled to hold her brother. Petai was, and is, so gentle and sweet. He had the innocence of a puppy. THe 4 of us went home in a taxi at 1 am- it was hard to leave the comfortable room, but we didn't think that Zoe would be able to sleep there. It sure was nice to snuggle together at home.

Sasha 9-21-94 8 lbs., 4 oz

Sasha arrived 10 days early. As for my first child, my waters broke first, but gently, and it wasn't clear that that is what happened. Depending upon where the tear is, the head can block the flow of amniotic fluid. I didn't want it to be that. I enjoyed pregnancy so much, I had so much to do, life was so wonderful, that I wasn't in a hurry for the next step. And, more practically, the center has a rule (a reluctant rule, which not all the midwives think is necessary) that one must go into labor within 12 hours of the water's breaking, or must deliver in a hospital- so, I didn't want to recognize what had happened, perhaps. I hated the idea of having to battle for what I wanted in a hospital, having to fight to be sure the baby never left my side after. But I had an appointment that evening at 5, anyway, and the midwife confirmed what I had suspected. We agreed that I had until midnight, a slight stretching of the truth. She nicked the amniotic sac in another place, stimulated the cervix with her finger, and sent me home with 2 bottles of castor oil. I bought a sandwich, and I rode home in the cab, eating the sandwich and chugging the bottle of castor oil. I would have looked quite bizarre anywhere else but in NYC, and the cabbie didn't blink.

I told Alan that the baby was coming, and we called my sister to come over to watch the sleeping kids. No sign of contractions, and I drank the other bottle of castor oil a few hours later. I called the midwife around 11, saying that I thought I might be having contractions- I really wasn't sure, but that midnight deadline was worrying me...and at 11:30, contractions really started. I remember my sister looking at me in horror, as hard contractions were coming every minute by midnight, and me trying to assure her that it wasn't so bad, that I was just having a baby...Alan and I went downstairs to catch a cab, but the doorman took one look at us- we must have looked pretty pathetic, with me doubled up completely and Alan with ctutches and a cast up to his knee with a broken- and drove us there himself. Good thing, too- I don't know if a cab would have picked us up in a hurry, and we needed to hurry. We got to the maternity center at 12:35, and I could feel the baby working its way down the birth canal (3rd births are great! I finally felt completely in control, knew exactly what was happening, and I wish I could do it 100 times more!), threw off my pants, and started to push. Sasha was born at 1:10, a huge, red, and determined little monkey. We drank champagne, I had a shower, and we tried to get a bit of sleep, but again, I was too excited to sleep, and just watched Alan and Sasha. We went home in the morning to show Zoe and Sasha their new sister and that evening, we had a birthday party for our new baby.

I never wanted anyone at home when we came with a new baby- I too much loved the feeling of having a new baby home, that wonderful and intimate time that passes too quickly. Of course, I was lucky in that I had very easy pregnancies and births, with no nausea and never felt especially tired. Also, I never had an episiotomy, which seems to me to cause more women more problems than any other aspect of a vaginal delivery.

I also think that the whole climate of the maternity center made the pregnancy and the births fun and certainly, nothing to be feared. One must have your baby in the place where you are the most comfortable and feel the safest. But I would advise everyone to check out the options and think about what you want, and what "safety" really is. Take control. If you don't agree with your birth assistant, change. If you can't, be firm about what you want. I also think it is important to have a clear-thinking advocate, probably your partner, as decision making isn't very easy with contractions 1 minute apart. These stories are very useful- which birth appeals to you? Go get it!

Kathy Barker