Justin Mark

When I found out I was pregnant with Justin I was 19 years old and unmarried. I was also on drugs. Somewhere in my oblivion was a twinkling star.Very faint but very very real. I was not alone; I was with child.I dropped out of high school in the 11th grade and never kept a job. I was living with my boyfriend(father of Justin). At my lowest point Justin was like an angel beckoning me back from a path that had led me astray to many times.The whole nine months was like a bridge across a deep black sea. I was off drugs in my second month after daily abuse. I got a job (wich I kept). All my energy went to him, everything was for him. I had no courage in life. I would not fight for myself. I made myself go back to live with my mother, for him, who only wanted me to love myself as much as he would. I waited and I learned. The kind of silent learning that comes from just being and listening.My boyfriend went away to college on his parents suggestion ,drugfree. It was not my boyfriend who I leaned on for support or my mother or anyone else, only Justin and this body that I had nearly starved and destroyed that just kept going. I kept breathing, my belly growing and I grew in heart and head and soul. I was amazed at those swollen ankles of mine that held me up seven or eight hours a day at my job. I was built strong like all bodys and our spirits are strong too,hope is the marrow, faith is the beating heart. I developed a philosophy about Justin,labor,and myself. Whenever it was time I wasnt going to worry, I was so whole with him I had no fear. I didnt know about midwifery of homebirths but I would have liked that very much. I had an OB/GYN who seemed to feel he was running the show eventhough I expressed to him I wanted no drugs, I wanted only to feel Justin and we wanted to have all our wits about us.

By the time Justins due date rolled around I shared an apartment with my boyfriend.He was due on 8/20/95, it was Friday night 8/18/95 at about 8:00 that I began to feel uncomfortable. I had a very easy pregnancy with no complications, so eventhogh it occured to me something was unusual no pregnancy is without its uncomfortable moments. Around midnight I realized back pain had become contractions. There was no real pain and so I let my boyfriend sleep. I was ready to have Justin and at this point I wanted to have him all by myself. I had enjoyed so much intimacy throughout my pregnancy and I had already made an unbreakable bond with my son. Now it was time: hospital, boyfriend (now husband), relatives, fighting off epidurals, busy nurses. I resolved that regardless of these things Justin and I were in this together and like we'd made it past everything else we would do this to. At 5:00 in the morning I woke my husband and called the doctor. At 5:30 or so we went to the hospital. When I got there the unpleasantries began: FHM for 15 minutes nurses checking things and the anesthesiologist waiting for me to sign her consent paper and after much coaxing I did so I could concentrate and she would go away. I was 3 cm dilated when the nurse gave me an enema and everyone thinking this would take all day left. Justin's father went to get coffee (because the only place I was going was the bathroom). I guess Justin saw this as a good time to make a break for it because my water broke while I was on the toilet and then I moaned through a long contraction then I stood up to walk to the bed and I felt him move lower. When I got to the bed I had another long contraction. I layed down and pushed the button for a nurse. A rather lost looking nurse came in and I said four words to her as I felt another contraction coming on "I need to push". Apparently my doctor was no where to be found. My husband rushed in followed by the nurses Dont push they said, breath they chanted, wait for the doctor! Every part of my body wanted to push. My doctor came rushing in and gave me the episiotomy they all needed to feel safe(I would rather have torn). Two pushes later at 8:36a.m. Justin was born. I was happy and sad and shaking and tired. He weighed 9lbs and 1oz and was 20 inches long. Then they got me- I had managed to deliver without drugs but the nurse put stadol in my drip and I was out in no time.

Overall I am very happy with my sons birth. In hindsight I can see pregnancy and birth as a right of passage for myself. Eventhough I didnt have a planned pregnancy I could not have planned it better! Today my husband and I are college students and Justin is happy and healthy. Motherhood has been the most empowering journey of my life.

Melissa