Aidan's Birth

Rob's Aunt Gail was dying of cancer. I sat in a chair next to her bed, holding her hand as she moaned in pain. Rob's mother, Marcia, laid her hands on Gail's abdomen.

"Annie, relax. You have to listen to me. Listen to my voice. Go to your quiet place. Imagine the sun..."

Marcia led Gail (who liked to be called "Annie") through a meditation, and she fell into a restless sleep. I kept her hand in mine, and I could feel a warm buzzing, as if electricity passed through Marcia's hands into Gail's body, through her fingers, and into my trembling hands. My baby gave a gentle kick and moved around a bit. He would be born in about 5 weeks, and I prayed Gail would get to meet him.

I closed my damp eyes and thought of the day I told Gail that I was going to have a baby. She had been so pleased. She had laughed, a hearty, resonant, sound, and teased me about the timing of it; my father had undergone bypass surgery the month before. Something wonderful had come from something terrible. Three weeks later, we learned that Gail had ovarian cancer. Now, only months later, Gail lay in a bed in a nursing home, drugged and gaunt.

I sat back in my seat and felt an odd thing. Could it be... ? I'd find out as soon as I stood, I thought.

I kissed Gail's hand, motioned to Rob that I wanted to leave, and rose to kiss Marcia good-bye. Suddenly, the pressure in my abdomen was gone, and what seemed like gallons of water gushed from me.

"Oh, God. My... my water broke!"

Rob and Marcia stared at me in surprise. I felt hot and woozy, and my mouth went dry. I continued my chant: "Oh, God. Oh, God..." I couldn't stand, but I couldn't sit. I was all wet. A crazy thought entered my mind: at least I had worn black!

From the bed came a calm, soothing voice. "It's ok. Just relax." It was Gail, and she was trying to get up! She hadn't been this lucid in weeks. "Everything's going to be ok." Marcia looked at pale me and active Gail, and chose to prevent Gail from ripping out her intravenous lines. Rob went to call my doctor, Bradley instructor, and doula.

I sat down and felt my first contraction. It was mild, a stretching sensation in my back. I smiled nervously and waited for the doctor to call. My mind was racing! I wasn't ready to have my baby yet! I hadn't finished my Bradley classes! I hadn't asked Dr. Albini what he thought about pushing yet. We hadn't started the baby's room, and my shower was scheduled for the next week. We didn't have a car seat yet!

It was decided that I'd go home and bathe, and then head for the hospital for a check. My contractions picked up a bit on the way home, and Rob had to pull over for each contraction. Being in motion while having a contraction was just too annoying.

At home, I sat in a bath and rubbed my belly. I listened to Rob talking to my father on the phone. "Her water broke, but don't get nervous! Tell Kathy [my mother] we're going to the hospital for a check. We'll call later."

The amniotic fluid continued to gush out periodically. The nurse at the hospital seemed annoyed that I wanted my doctor to examine me instead of her. I told her I wouldn't be staying that night, and she snorted. She tossed a gown at me and told me to get on the bed.

An aide came and wrapped a blood pressure cuff around my arm while the nurse strapped an external monitor around me. Someone else came in to take my temperature. I felt intruded upon and frantic. The nurse told me to wait till the shift change. She said it would get worse, and smirked. My mother called twice to find out what was going on. Both times, we told her that we were busy and would call back later.

Dr. Albini arrived, and I was relieved. This was the doctor that had spent almost an hour with me at each visit, and who had recommended the Bradley Method. His last child had been that hospital's first water birth! Gentle and thoughtful, he was worthy of our trust.

A quick internal exam revealed that I wasn't at all dilated or effaced. I had two swabs for Group B Strep; one would reveal a result in a few hours, and one would take more than a day. I consented to an ultrasound to check the fluid around the baby. The little guy was in a posterior position, which explained the back cramps. There wasn't much fluid, but there was enough. I could labor at home overnight! I could even bathe. I dressed and we left the hospital. Dr. Albini was arguing with our nurse in the hallway.

11pm

I remembered that walking around would help stimulate contractions, and I wanted food and drink for what could be a long labor. We headed for Stop & Shop, but stopped at a pay phone first. Our first call was to our doula, who we'd just met the night before! She was surprised (like everyone else!) but excited. We then called Marcia and asked her to meet us at our house. We then called my mother and told her that we had left the hospital. She apologized for calling while we were there.

We strolled through Stop & Shop, pausing for each contraction. One per aisle. I wondered if the other late-night shoppers knew what an important night this was. Our cart slowly filled with crackers, oranges, pears, Gatorade, Monterey Jack cheese, peanut butter, wheat bread, salt and vinegar potato chips, pineapple juice, yogurt, baby carrots, Jolly Ranchers, mini lemon poppy muffins, and Hershey's Hugs and Kisses. We also bought Neutrogena soap and shampoo (so as not to confuse the baby's delicate nose!), Aveeno lotion (for the back rub I knew I'd need), and playing cards (for all that free time we'd have...).

Marcia arrived at our house 5 minutes after we did. I reclined on the couch, concentrating on relaxing my body during each contraction. I required absolute silence in the room for this, which made for some interesting conversation. My back hurt.

It was quite late by this time, but it was possible that we could have a baby by this time the next day! I asked Rob to call my mother and ask her to buy a car seat the next day. We'd be pretty busy. My sleepy mother told Rob that we should wait for the shower. Oh-k.

After a few contractions on the couch, I was restless. I went to the den and wrote some email to my March due-date mailing list. A few responses came almost immediately!

Rob and I had practiced many relaxation exercises with me in a warm bath and him perched on the toilet seat. Maybe a bath would relax me now, and maybe I could even get some sleep! I soaked for about 10 minutes before becoming antsy again.

I climbed upstairs to stretch out on the bed. My back had been killing me for weeks, and now it ached with each contraction. I felt sleepy and closed my eyes. After a while, the contractions stretched out to almost 90 seconds long, and I began to wonder what was happening. Rob called Emily. She explained that these long contractions were most likely effacement contractions, and told me ways to breathe naturally through them.

The night passed in a blur. I opened my eyes at once point, and realized I'd been sleeping between contractions. It felt like one long contraction, though.

7am, Thursday, February 6, 1997

I headed downstairs for some juice, and Rob woke up his mother, who had fallen asleep on the couch. She was going back to the nursing home, and told us to call if anything changed.

I went to the bathroom and freaked out briefly when I saw a piece of SOMETHING floating in the toilet. I yelled for Rob, who reminded me of the mucous plug. Oh.

I curled up on the couch and told Rob that I was finally relaxing. I was supposed to go to the doctor's office to be checked again, but I wanted to go back to sleep. Rob called the office and told them I'd be there much later that morning.

Again, I slept between contractions, awakening somewhat during them.

11am

I arrived at the doctor's office and agreed to another exam. I was 2 centimeters dilated, and 50% effaced. The quick Group B Strep culture had come back negative. Dr. Matonis wanted me to go to the hospital (next door), but I wanted Dr. Albini's opinion. After calling Dr. Albini, Dr. Matonis agreed to monitor the baby for a bit.

I sat in a big, cushy recliner, attached to the external fetal monitor. The contractions seemed more intense. Instead of just relaxing and remaining quiet, I now needed to hold onto Rob for comfort. The cellular phone rang.

Rob answered it and told someone that we were a bit busy and that we couldn't talk. He mouthed, "It's your brother." I wanted to talk! Rob passed the phone over, and Lee asked, "What are you doing that Rob can't talk, but you can?" Poor Lee had left for flight school in Florida just the day before.

Dr. Matonis returned and asked if I'd consent to another ultrasound. I did, and we discovered that the pockets of fluid that had been around the baby were gone. It was pretty dry in there! The risks of cord prolapse, infection, and an early baby outweighed my desire to labor at home. I grudgingly agreed to go to the hospital.

Rob made a couple of frantic calls on the cell phone, to Emily and our friend Bill. We hadn't planned to go to the hospital when we left home that morning, so we had nothing from our huge list with us. Over the phone, Rob talked Bill through finding most of our stuff at our house!

Emily arrived and we walked over to the hospital, where I was shown to a hideous peach and mint green room. We passed Marcia in the hallway! I was still leaking fluid, so I slipped on a hospital gown and a robe. I remembered a few more things from home that I wanted to have. I made a quick list, and Rob again called Bill, who ran around all day, gathering my stuff.

Emily sat with us and we talked about the whirlwind we found ourselves in. I was scared. I didn't feel prepared to have a baby so soon. I was frightened for the health of our baby, being so early. I was angry at my mother, who had seemed so unconcerned the night before. I was grateful for Rob, who held me during every contraction.

Emily agreed to call my mother occasionally so that I could concentrate on laboring. We decided that she'd say nothing to excite anyone.

We walked the halls of the hospital. We showered. Still, my contractions were intense, but erratic. My back ached still with each one. I continued doing pelvic rocks, hoping the baby would turn. I ate and drank. Emily returned home to rest until I needed her again.

7pm

The phone rang. It was Michelle, my friend from the March due-date list! I didn't have much to report, but her experienced voice was comforting.

It was almost 24 hours since my water had broken. The contractions were becoming more intense, and I was becoming tired. I assumed a side-lying position and tried to breathe naturally, which was quite difficult by this time. Each contraction felt like a stab in the lower back. Rob helped by massaging me hard during each contraction. The nurse came in every 2 hours to monitor the baby briefly.

A couple of hours passed this way, with me taking sips and bites of things between contractions, and Rob rubbing the pain away during them. Still, it was bearable. It felt like it might be over soon.

Michelle called again to describe a position to help turn posterior babies. From what the three of us could figure out on the phone, it was pretty close to what I had been doing, but I made a few adjustments.

Two more hours passed, with the contractions coming more frequently and intensifying. I wanted to leave my body. I tried to imagine pushing my baby out and watching his tiny self emerge from me. Still, the idea that this would end with a baby seemed unreal.

11pm

I was close. I had to be! I had been working hard for hours now, and I wanted to know what kind of progress I was making. Stupidly, I thought a number would make me feel better. I asked the nurse to check me. After checking with Dr. Albini, she agreed.

I took some deep breaths while the nurse checked me. I looked at Rob, waiting to hear how well I'd done. The nurse smiled and said... "2 centimeters and 100% effaced!" I burst into tears. How could it be?

The nurse prepared to monitor the baby again, but I wanted time alone with Rob to recover from this last blow. She would not leave. I begged her to leave me alone, finally telling her that I was just going to get up and go home! She left the room to call Dr. Albini. I sobbed and asked Rob to call Emily.

Ten minutes later, Dr. Albini and Emily arrived at my room. Still crying, I told them that I wanted to take a break. I wanted to go home and sleep and come back and finish this baby-having thing in the morning.

Emily rubbed my back while Dr. Albini discussed my labor with me. He explained that sometimes, especially with posterior babies, contractions and cervical progress don't quite match up. In my case, extremely painful contractions weren't producing much cervical progress. He explained that while not typical, it was normal, and if I just hung in there, I would be ok.

I still wanted to make it all stop. Right then, I knew everything would NOT be ok. I also realized that if it was possible, I had scared my contractions away. They were now less frequent and less intense.

Dr. Albini offered up my options. I could hang in there and continue laboring all night as I had all day. I could begin Pitocin to try to stimulate productive contractions. I could get a shot of some narcotic so I could get some relief from the pain, and hopefully rest. I could take a sleeping pill and perhaps sleep for a bit. I could have an epidural. I kept waiting for the right option to appear, but it never did. No one offered to take over laboring for me!

I looked to Rob and Emily to help me out. Emily was also a Bradley instructor, so I think I expected her to know the magic answer. Poor exhausted Rob was, at this point, willing to go along with anything. Emily suggested morphine (for me, not Rob!). I continued to cry.

Dr. Albini sat Rob and me down and asked us to trust him. He'd been honest and open throughout the pregnancy, and had, until now, followed our birth plan where possible. He suggested morphine and rest, and a fresh start in the morning. We reluctantly agreed.

I visited the bathroom and noticed that I was now bleeding. Emily said that this meant that my body was working hard, but Dr. Albini remained silent.

Worn out from labor and emotion, I curled up on the bed. The contractions stepped up again, and I felt like I was being cut in half through my back. Rob continued to rub, harder and harder with each one.

Emily returned and told me that she wouldn't be able to return the next day. Instead, she had brought Anne with her, a doula training to become a midwife. Anne would stay with me all night until the baby was born. I felt abandoned, but agreed to let Anne stay on. I had paid for a doula, after all.

The (new) nurse came and gave me my shot. Rob stretched out on the fold-out chair next to the bed, and I tried to rest. The nurse had told me that the shot would last for about four hours, and I looked at the clock. Midnight.

Well, my head felt a little numb. For the first time all day, I was able to relax. The contractions still came, though, and poor Rob still had to rub. Instead of every 3 minutes, though, I was able to handle them myself longer. I cried a bit for my baby and me, and slept on and off for an hour.

3am, Friday, February 7, 1997

My back hurt and my head was a little foggy. I realized the morphine was almost gone, and my body was still working. Rob was asleep in the chair.

I decided to try dealing with the contractions by myself for a bit, and I succeeded for about an hour. Rob woke up then, and we did the breathe-rub-rest-drink-eat routine for a few hours more.

7am

Dr. Albini appeared once again and asked us to consider Pitocin. While the quick Group B Strep swab had come back negative, the more accurate swab had come back positive. We now had something else to contend with. Again, the pang in my chest told me that something wasn't right. I agreed to Pitocin.

8am

A nurse came to insert the i.v. This was the same nurse I had when I first came to the hospital, Lynnelle. She told me that we'd start on a very small amount of Pitocin and see how it went.

Anne appeared just as the Pitocin began. Almost immediately, my contractions turned to unbearable pain. I began to scream with each contraction, knowing that if I was going to make it through them, I had to relax.

The phone rang, and Anne answered it. I told her to hang it up. I needed her! She continued talking, and looked around for a pen.

Each contraction began in my lower abdomen and traveled to my lower back, where it intensified and ran wild. Each time one came, I motioned for Rob to pound on my back with his fist. My back was red and raw from the constant rubbing, but I didn't care. Soon, the contractions came less than a minute apart. I yelled for the Pitocin to stop. I didn't know that it already had been stopped.

10am

Anne would not shut up. I needed to concentrate on each contraction, but her voice was a distraction. I couldn't catch my breath to tell her to be quiet. She wouldn't understand.

Rob continued to pound my back during each contraction.

Lynnelle was quiet. Did she think I was handling my labor poorly?

I needed to moan to make it through contractions. I would sometimes chant, "baby... baby..." I could feel the baby move, but I worried. It still didn't seem real.

Dr. Albini appeared again. Or had he been here all along? He and Lynnelle were talking, but I couldn't hear them. He wanted to insert an internal monitor.

He put it in between contractions. It only took a moment, and then he continued the back massage that Rob had been doing. It wasn't right, though. Rob had to do it.

I needed ice.

11am

I was crying. This was too much pain for one person. With each contraction, I thought my mind left my body. I wanted to hide from my body.

I waited for someone to tell me I was in transition. I couldn't last much longer. That's what transition is, right?

I continued to moan and cry and chant. "Baby... baby..."

Why was everyone so quiet? I was doing my best.

12 noon

This baby wasn't ever going to be born, I thought. I would work and work, but the baby would stay inside me.

I thought I might be dying. I could feel nothing but the searing in my back. Every now and then, someone (who?) would drop a piece of cold ice into my mouth.

Why wasn't the baby moving? Maybe he was tired too.

12:30pm

It was almost over, I knew. No one was telling I was almost there. Everyone was quiet and serious. I knew I wasn't going to be able to push my baby out of me.

I could only keep my eyes open for seconds at a time, but I saw Rob looking at me. He looked exhausted. I saw Anne sitting next to the bed, holding the cup of ice. Dr. Albini was there. Lynnelle continued to watch the monitor tape.

The searing, pounding pain continued. Almost over.

Sometime after 1pm

Dr. Albini leaned over me and rubbed my back. He wanted to check my cervix. I rolled over. 4 centimeters. "Danielle, this baby needs to be born now."

I agreed! I wanted the baby to be born now. But did he mean...

"How?"

"A section."

An anesthesiologist arrived and told Rob and Anne to leave the room. I was so scared. I thought I was choking. And the contractions continued.

I had to sit up for the epidural, despite the contractions. I sat as still as I could for what seemed like an hour, while the anesthesiologist poked around my back. I leaned against Dr. Albini, who whispered encouragement.

The anesthesiologist left the room, shouting that I should feel no pain in a few minutes. Minutes passed, and the pain continued. I wondered if I was imagining the pain.

Lynnelle called the anesthesiologist back, and he injected something else. Still, the pain continued. I writhed around on the bed, wondering what had happened to Rob.

A nurse came and hurriedly shaved me. Dr. Albini returned and told me that he'd see me in the O.R.; he needed to get ready for surgery. I whispered to him to put me out for the c-section. He paused, and agreed to ask the anesthesiologist. I just couldn't imagine another failed epidural.

Someone quickly rolled my bed to the O.R. I saw my mother's face as I rolled by.

In the O.R., the anesthesiologist explained that because I have asthma, a spinal anesthetic would be safer, for me and for the baby. Also, Rob would be allowed to stay with me. I agreed.

I climbed from my bed to the operating table, noticing that someone had placed my pillow from home onto it. Dr. Albini and Lynnelle helped me to a sitting position for the spinal. I was still having contractions, but no one was pausing to let me get through them anymore.

I leaned on Dr. Albini and Lynnelle while the anesthesiologist again worked on my back. I felt like I was stuck in a dream, and if I could just wake up, everything would be fine again.

On my back, I felt my legs begin to tingle. Dr. Albini left the room and returned with another person in green. "Here's your biggest fan," he said. It was Rob, and I hadn't recognized him! Rob sat beside me and held my hand. Someone had strapped it down. I looked at my other arm, and noticed that it, too, had been strapped down.

Dr. Albini introduced the doctor that would be assisting him. The doctor smiled kindly at me.

Someone poked my belly and pinched my legs. I could feel it! Dr. Albini looked at me and said, "I won't start until you can't feel it." Someone raised a screen over my chest.

A moment later, I heard, "We've started!" I could feel pressure and movement, but no pain.

I couldn't breathe! I yelled to Rob that I wasn't breathing, and a nurse cupped his hand over my mouth and told me to blow. If I could blow, I could breathe. I still couldn't feel it happen.

Another moment later: "Will someone take this baby?!"

Was my baby here? Why wasn't he crying? I saw the back of the neonatologist's head, but nothing more.

Aidan Robert Feica Noll was born at 1:48 that afternoon, February 7, 1997.

The nurse told me that they would now add something to my i.v. I fell asleep.

3pm

I woke up in a labor room. The bed was facing the wrong way, though. My legs were numb, and my abdomen was beginning to burn.

My mother was there. I asked where Rob was. Then I remembered what had happened, and asked about my baby. Mom went to get Rob.

I fell back to sleep.

When I woke up, Rob was standing next to the bed. I asked him where the baby was, and he told me that the baby was in the Critical Care Nursery. I wanted to know what he looked like. Was he ok? I wanted to see him.

Rob told me that the baby looked like both of us, but he didn't yet know what was wrong with him. He had seen the pediatrician crying. The neonatologist would be in to speak with us after he was done working with Aidan.

A nurse entered and explained that I would have to stay flat on my back for 12 hours to avoid a spinal headache. I wouldn't be able to see my baby until I could get out of bed.

The next couple of hours were a blur of family members and sleep. Two nurses arrived to give me a sponge bath, tugging on me to roll me over. That bath was one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me!

The neonatologist came to my room and told us the news. Our baby had pneumonia from Group B Strep, and might have meningitis. One lung was punctured from suctioning, and he had a heart murmur. He would remain in the Critical Care Nursery for at least a week, and probably more.

I learned from Dr. Albini that my placenta had begun to separate from my uterus; that explained the bleeding. He and Lynnelle had become concerned about the baby earlier in the morning, but Aidan had taken a somewhat drastic turn for the worse right before he was born. Still, he was confident that Aidan would recover from his birth quickly. Dr. Albini left town for the weekend, but called in frequently.

7am, Saturday, February 8, 1997

As soon as I could feel my legs, I moved and wiggled them as much as I could. When the 12 hours was up, I began gradually raising the head of the bed. At 7 in the morning, a nurse helped me painfully move from the bed to a wheelchair.

Rob wheeled me into the Critical Care Nursery, and I looked at all the tiny babies in Isolettes and bassinets. He wheeled me up to a delicate-looking tiny guy with pink skin and lots of light brown hair. Well, he didn't look like a preemie at all!

"Is that my baby?" He was the most gorgeous little thing I had ever seen, like a little peach. I touched his hand, and he opened his eyes to look at me. We were in for a rough time, but we were in love, all three of us.

Later

Aidan remained in the Critical Care Nursery for eight long days. He came home with us on February 15, 1998, a late Valentine's Day gift.

He completely recovered from the pneumonia and never did have meningitis. He does have a moderate ventricular septal defect, otherwise known as a "hole in his heart". He takes medication, but we're optimistic that the defect will improve and possibly disappear!

My milk came in 4 days after Aidan was born. I was allowed to nurse him twice a day for that first week, but I pumped every 2 hours to provide milk for him. By his 5th day, he took breastmilk exclusively. At 5 months, he's still exclusively breastfed.

Aunt Gail passed away when Aidan was three weeks old. We were able to bring Aidan to her bedside twice, but she wasn't aware enough to acknowledge him. We believe, though, that their souls know each other, and that Gail helped Aidan survive his critical week.

Marcia told us later that she was with Gail when she received the call that I was about to have a cesarean section. Gail woke again briefly to say, "It hasn't yet been decided whether the baby will live or die."

My mother was incredibly supportive in the days and weeks following Aidan's birth. As it turned out, she didn't realize that Aidan's birth was imminent. Rob, Emily, and I had sort of minimized the importance of what was happening so we wouldn't excite her. We had misunderstood her confusion the night my water broke. We all regret the errors in communication.

When Aidan was born, we had just purchased paint for his room, and Rob had just begun tiling the bathroom. The tiling is almost done but looks fine, and Aidan sleeps in our room. This is a much slower lifestyle, but we've learned flexibility!