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Week by Week

Baby Barlow

I hate the word miscarriage it sounds so simple for something so painfully complcated. This is proably the hardest thing i've ever went through so far it wasn't just the fact that I lost a child a piece of my self, of the future it was the medical persons in which I dealt that made it seem to trival and it wasn't I knew I was pregant before a home preg. Test could even test + I also knew that something would go terriably wrong and that this was not going to be a child I would hold I wanted so badly to be wrong about the feeling I carried around inside, that I had hope, all the normal test would be done, all the normal results would come back. Though that offerd little comfort at every little cramp I would run in terror to the bathroom to check to see if there was blood the doctors said there was nothing to worry about I had given birth to a perfectly normal baby had no signs of being high risk that there was very little to worry about so I remanied silent about the fears which haunted me, almost afraid if I spoke out it would be true at my 10wk checkup the tryed to see if they could find a heartbeat and they could not the doctor wasn't in the least bit worried said it was just to soon they would find it next time ..

The next few weks went by I started to believe everything would really be alright. At 14wks I began to spot at work and then I knew, I picked up my son and went home I called the doctor in tears she said alot of people spot it doesn't mean anything to lay down on my left side and then she said that if I did miscarry that there was nothing that could be done and she would see me monday morning ..... The next day was sat and it had begun to bleed more heavly and I knew then then there was no hope. I was instructed to go to the hospital for futher test I went , they weren't sure I was even pregant so I had to have a pelvic exam, when they decided I was I had to endure they're attempts to locate a heartbeat when I knew there would none , all the while they kept telling that this is very common and it meant that it was a pregancy that was abnormal and this was nature's way . I wanted to scream ,and cry .they're attempts to determine what was wrong was a sonogram and as I lay there I could see the screen and my husband held my hand I could see the baby and no heart beat he cryed I wanted to I just felt so empty we we're sent home to wait out the rest ..

Nothing really happened monday I saw my doctor she said the same thing I heard before that it was nature's way this was not natural to me this didn't feel common it didn't feel like a bunch of tissue it was a baby to me it had a face ,it had a name, a moomy , a daddy , and a older brother, it was hope and now it was gone and I was angry at they're lack of compassion .

Monday night I began having contrations I went to bed early and was awoken a few hours later by some very intense pain I called and spoke to a doctor on call she prescribed some painkillers and a relaxined to ease the pain. My husband and I went to pick up the med. I returned home in a great deal of pain I took the medication and waited for relief ,it did not come the pain was so intense I could not breath my husband rushed me to the closest hospital where I was greeted by intoralble indiffernce the doc was horriablly rude I walked out and requested to go to a differnt hospital I was bleeding badly my clothes were soaked he took my to my our insured hospital I was beginning to go in to shock on our arrival they took very good care of me there I was hospitalized for 2 days and was released with a clean bill of health and no explanation of what went wrong I guess bad things do happen to good people ......

It's been a year and i'm 6 months pregant my doctor is a good one he does address my fears as real I hope to deliver in aug. A healthy baby I still long for the one I lost but I find comfort in the one on the way it has been a long road for emotional recovery but I take it day by day ......

Hillary