Baby Weiss

Well, it's happened again. Yet another miscarriage for me. This is pregnancy number eleven and we finally have a repeating factor for miscarriage. It seems that my PCOS has finally gotten bad enough to warrant the use of progesterone. Here are the gory details of our baby's birth/death.

I had an inkling that something wasn't right, but I tried to tell myself that I knew too much about pregnancy and was being a hypocondriac. Then I would tell myself that I am the one who always tells everyone to listen to the mother, that she knows more than they do. Well, I was right, I did know.

Around Valentine's Day I mentioned to my husband, Kevin, "Gee, isn't it wonderful that I haven't vomited in three days?" He did think it was pretty wonderful and at the time so did I. I think I made myself sick to my stomach a few times, just thinking about it and worrying about it.

On February 27th I had a routine appointment with my doc. She didn't say anything and just suggested some blood tests. She felt my abdomen and I confronted her, but she played it off. "No, that's not hegar's sign, it's just you are only 10 weeks along and the uterus isn't out of the pelvis."

Three days later I found out I was right. I tried to remain calm, how could I tell Kevin? I was beginning to feel really defective, why couldn't I have a baby? I told him and he just pouted, letting the info sink in. I had to go to a meeting and tried to push it in the back of my mind.

Nothing had started by Sunday, and I didn't want surgery if I could avoid it. So, after a good cry, I tried some herbal remedies which got things going. I was contracting and rocking, and crying. But I never started bleeding.

I tried again a few days later and everything happened at once. It was all over in about 2 hours. And surprisingly I felt really calm, good, and distant. I was okay. My doctor asked me to check back in after a week or so.

I am really gla dthat I took the time to miscarry at home. It takes awhile to get used to the idea of getting pregnant, even when you want to be, so the idea of getting unpregnant was going to take a bit longer.

Today, a few weeks later, I am still okay, and dealing. I am weepy and angry, and poor Kevin never knows which. He is sad too, in a different way and for a different reason. We have managed to learn to grieve differently and yet together. It's really good to have him with me.

Robin

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