stats:

olivier william pascal perusse

7 pounds 10 ounces

21 inches

brown curly hair

blue eyes

feb 5th

9:17 am

3:22 am on the 4th my water broke. no apparent reason. we'd not had sex, I'd done no strenuos activity, just sitting there sleeping and GUSH. prior to this I had no loss of plug or anything. sat around waiting for contractions.

at 4:30, no cotractions yet. called the midwife just to let her know what was up. she says take a shower, try to sleep, chill out, no sex and no bath. okay.

we do all of the above. I start finally having contractions around 7. midwife calls at 9 to see what's up. I tell her I have contractions around 7-10 minutes apart, not too difficult, they last around 30 seconds. neither me, nor the midwife, nor pascal (that would be the DH) are saying it, but all of us are thinking "this is taking too long".

she comes to see me at 10:30. tells me to go for a walk, sleep if I can, take some sugar pills, and eat. tells us to update her around 1. tells me I am dialated to 2, and the cervix is softer than before, but has a ways to go.

the contractions get no stronger. they do move closer together. finally around 3 they are 4-5 minutes apart, last about 45 seconds to a minute. everyone is still thinking, though not admitting "this is taking too long". midwife and pascal are really good at fooling me, they keep telling me they think I am making great progress for a first timer.

7 o'clock that night, still 4-5 minutes apart, but they really hurt. they hurt bad. it feels like someone has pliers in me and is prying me open. I am in tears. I call the midwife, she says "come on in, we have to give you antibiotics (govt. policy) at 9:30 anyway because your membranes ruptured so long ago." no problem.

so I go in. um... remember how I was dialated to 2 at 10am? 9 hours later, I am at 3. however, I am 100% effaced. midwife and pascal tell me this is normal and I know they are full of crap, but I really want to believe them. they convince me effacing in and of itself is progression.

contractions continue, 4-5 minutes apart. I am in serious pain. I can handle it though, I just want to be making progress. I walk, I squat, I bend, I get on all fours, I hang out on the toilet, all of it. finally it dawns on me "water you idiot" so I get in the jacuzzi.

damn good idea. contractions come every 3 minutes, then every two minutes. the bubble pressure makes them MUCH easier to deal with. I am in lov e with the jacuzzi. midwife hears me yelling, comes in to check on me since I finally am yelling more often and in a different way. it is 10pm.

I am at 4 cm.

the contractions get worse. harder, really hard. I mean hard. I cry and scream a lot. um, they are back to that 4-5 minute crap. I am getting really really really worn out. but I still think I can do it. even if it IS taking too long.

at 2 am, I am no longer so sure. I'm beating the walls with my fists, screaming like hell, still walking, squatting, sitting on the toilet, etc. midwife comes to check on me. she's confused that I have no push urge. still the 4-5 minutes apart crap.

we're still at 4.

to make matters worse, olly is showing signs of fetal distress (decreased movement, lower heartrate, etc) but nothing real serious. she tells me to get in the tub, or rest on the bed (for some reason lying down made the contractions feel even stronger on me). she tells me "this may suck, but we need those contractions to be stronger, harder, and longer to be more productive." I agree, I know she is right. She and pascal are still beng really encouraging, feeding me crap that this is normal, and lots of first time mothers hit a labor plateau like this, and reassuring me I can do it.

I go back to the tub. the tub is set on a cycle, 5 minutes of jacuzzi, 15 minutes quiet, 5 minutes of jacuzzi. I turn on the jacuzzi. I relax and feel better. we put on some mazzy starr music, turn off the lights, and burn night opium incense. the jacuzzi stops. I've not had a contraction. I am so relaxed and trying not to feel like a failure, and exhausted that I don't think about it. I fall asleep. 15 minutes later I am awakened by the jacuzzi. that's right. I've now gone 20 minutes without a contraction. I sit there in the naive hope that the jacuzzi turning on will restart them. the jacuzzi shuts off. nothing. I get out, I feel determined that damnitt, I WILL get this baby out, I CAN do this, now I need to get my shit together and get it done. as soon as I get out, they restart.

I torture myself. I sit on the birthing stool, begging it to open me, I hurt I ache, I walk, I lie on the bed. they come HARD. I am now screaming during them, they are lasting two minutes. it is now 3 am. midwife comes to check me.

yea.

you guessed it.

my friend 4 cm.

still showing fetal distress during my contractions.

she tells me to make the call.

I tell her that if I was at 8, even 6 or 7, I could do it. I really could. but there is something wrong here. and I don't have the strength to go to 10 at this pace. I think if Olly would have been fine, I would have tried another hour or two. but I decided it wasn't going to work.

so we went to the hospital for some pain relief and monitoring. now, ever since I got to canada, all I ever bitch about is the TERRIBLE bedside manners of the health care people here. well, they really made up for it. I came in screaming and hysterical. and I know from my experience in health care work that I was the kind of patient they hate to deal with most (screaming and hysterical). so I apologized profusely. a very nice and calm doctor came in, he was barely older than me I think. he grabbed a stool and sat down so he was eye level with me, and grabbed my hand, telling me to squeeze as hard as I could during the contractions until the anesthesiologist got there. he said "your husband tells me you used to be an OB/GYN student" I nod. "so we can talk straight right?" I nod again. "ok, now I know what you're scared of, you're scared we're gonna c-section you for failure to progress, right?" I nod and start bawling. "shhh, we're not gonna go there yet, ok? the baby is not in enough distress to merit surgery, so let's not get our head in that place ok?" I nod. "let's talk pain meds." I nod again "what do you want?" I said "an epidural sounds so drastic" and he said "yea, it is drastic, but wendey, you need something right now not to "take the edge off" but to block it out all together. for some reason, it seems you are not allowing yourself to accept this pain and progress" (will get into this psychobabble at the end) I knew he was right and so I said "ok, let's do it." he says "we also need the contractions to come stronger and closer together, and as you know an epi is gonna most likely slow them, can I give you some (insert something with an s here that I cannot remmeber) to make them stronger?" I consent.

doctor comes in and I get my epidural. I cry because I feel like a complete failure. I hurt, I ache, and I'm tired as hell. I keep telling everyone I am sorry for everything. the anasthesiologist apologizes for taking TEN MINUTES to get from OR to the LDR. I personally thought that was good. he then apologizes that it isn't a walking epi like I would have back home in nebraska. he then apologizes for the fact that it hurts getting it put in. actually, it hurt more to put it in than the worst of the contractions IMHO. I couldn't keep my back curved which made me feel like more of a failure. I grabbed pascal for leverage and he still has marks from my nails on his shoulders. anyway, they finally got it in. I still feel like a failure for needing medical intervention. however, I start to relax. they put a monitor on my tummy, and olly is fine. he doesn't slow during contractions anymore. (I can still feel them a bit, but I am merely 'aware' of them, not FEELING them) the contraction meds are on an iv.

I talk to pascal for the next hour and a half, telling him I am sorry, him telling me that he is amazed at what I did so far and the best is yet to come. he has not slept in 24 hours, and he won't now. he refuses to go home and rest.

um, the epidural wore off. the only thing numb are my thighs. I am back into that screaming thing. the anasthesiologist comes back asap and gives me something really strong. I fall into a sleep.

the next thing I know it is 20 minutes later and I am being woken up, told to roll over, there are a TON of people in there, etc. pascal holds my hand and tells me not to worry. I ask what is wrong. the doctor says "the baby's heart rate is at 70-80. we need it higher" I nod. everyone is being so nice and working with me, and trying really hard to help me. they roll me over, and doctor notices that as soon as I am ON MY BACK his heart beat goes up. how odd. "wait a minute" he says "wendey, can I check your dialation?" I laugh. it is 6:45 am. there is no way I am beyond 5 I figure.

try 10.

I start crying tears of joy, finally my body is doing something (albeit drug induced) and I am not going to have to have a c-section. for some reason olly's heart is fine while I semi sit or am on my back, so hey, I can do that. (paid for it with a backache from hell the next day, I don't care though. =) they tell me not to push, because since he is fine now, they want to give him time to turn from posterior to anterior on his own (he has already started.) I nod, breathe oxygen, and feel better.

periodically (every 30 minutes or so) I get an incredible urge to push. not a lot of pushes, but one or two. I know I am at 10, so I keep quiet and just give a little shove now and then. I am not in the mood yet to actively push. unbeknownst to me, they turned off my epidural when all the ruckus about the heart rate started. still enough in me to KILL the pain but I am more aware now. I can feel the baby moving inside my body slowly getting close to coming out.

at 9, doctor checks and says "you can start pushing him out now anytime you want"

I say "now would be fine"

I tell him I would really like to avoid an episiotomy. he says the only way he will do one is if I ask or if baby's heart rate goes too low for too long. I think that is great. I find out he's just a resident and won't be delivering the baby, the other doc comes in.

I tell the other doc my episiotomy preference and ask if I can feed him right away. she smiles and asks how else would someone do it? I feel a lot better. =)

so at 9 I start pushing. this was the absolute best part. I finally felt efficient, worthwhile, like I could do something, like my body was not defective. I was good at this pushing thing! I was making noises of course (since I could actually feel!) and my midwife was my coach. she was afraid I was giving up again and I said "no way, I am nowhere near giving up now, the tears are because I feel GOOD!" and I swear, I DID feel good!

at 9:17 he is born. =)

pink, perfect, and no cying =)

no episiotomy, and no actual tear, just a scratch. =)

at 10 I get up and go to the bathroom. (stung a bit, spritz bottle helped that.)

at 1 we left the hospital and went back to the birthing centre for recovery. we still hadn't learned enough about breastfeeding, and pascal REALLY needed some rest, and at the hospital there were like 6 people to a room, so we chose to recover there.

we slept for about 4 hours, all three of us together on the bed. =)

they made me feel a lot better about getting transfered, told me I gave it one hell of a shot so i should not feel bad in any way shape or form. I still get my picture on the wall because as far as they are concerned I transfered out of medical necessity, and not just 'wimping out'. that made me feel really good. I was still feeling like a failure.

so, what did go wrong? why did my labor suck? well, it was a mental thing, as I am sure any woman with a child already could tell from reading this. I was so sure that I could A) control it B) control my pain and my response to said pain C) that I was not scared of the pain and D) that I would have a short labor. (since no one *I* knew ever went more than 6-7 hours even with a first baby.. duh... how naive)

Also, I had done a lot of reading about "get any unresolved issues about abuse or trauma or whatever out now before labor, or it WILL come up" well, me being such a perfectionist thought I DID have all that shit sorted out. yea right. I was even thinking during the labor "remember when your stepmonster used to beat the crap out of you, it ended eventually, as will this, just focus away from it" however, the pain management techniques I learned as a kid were bad to transfer to this... because I was fighting the pain, denying it's existence, tensing muscles to combat it, etc. and I knew it was only going to get worse. that is prolly why I leveled at 4.

my son is gorgeous. he has a ton of curly brown hair like his daddy, sterling blue huge eyes, the pinkest softest skin, and a very interesting 4 cm molding circle on his head from being stuck there sooo long. he fed right away, although not very strongly or for very long. We've now had 2 lactation consultants and one LLL leader and an osteopath and 2 midwives come look at him, and all agree he has a jaw placement and muscle tension problem that prevents him from sucking right. me or a bottle. so, I went and got him some easy nipples (cuz hey, I want to breastfeed more than ANYTHING but my baby needed food) and now I pump with a hospital pump and feed him my milk still.

the midwife was scared I would have a 10 pounder, but he only ended up being 7 pounds and ten ounces at 39 weeks and 4 days.

pascal was quite traumatized by this whole thing. he broke down and cried the next morning about how awful it was seeing me in pain like that, and how he was scared when the heartbeat went down to 70 that olly would die. I just held him and told him "shh, it's all over now"

it is a month later, and I am only now realizing many things. like how close to having a c-section i was. like how dangerous a 70 heart rate really is. like how I was lucky I agreed with everything the docs were doing, if I had a normal labor I would have had many less choices.

oddly, I am not still freaking over the pain. while I was having him I was seriously thinking to myself "good god, why would anyone want anything other than a scheduled c-section?" now? next time I do this, I am going to try natural again, I am going to check my head first, and I am gonna give it a damn good try again. I don't regret trying it and not going straight for the epidural in the first place. I learned a lot about my own strengths and weaknesses.

You can now read birth stories two ways:

After listening to our readers, we found that many of you read a collection of stories during your lunch hour. So we decided to break the stories down into groups of five stories per collection. The newest stories will be added to the bottom.

While others preferred the categorized stories, broken down into similar types of stories. The new stories here will be posted at the top of each section.