olivier william pascal perusse
stats:
olivier william pascal perusse
7 pounds 10 ounces
21 inches
brown curly hair
blue eyes
feb 5th
9:17 am
3:22 am on the 4th my water broke. no apparent reason. we'd not had
sex, I'd done no strenuos activity, just sitting there sleeping and
GUSH. prior to this I had no loss of plug or anything. sat around
waiting for contractions.
at 4:30, no cotractions yet. called the midwife just to let her know
what was up. she says take a shower, try to sleep, chill out, no sex
and no bath. okay.
we do all of the above. I start finally having contractions around 7.
midwife calls at 9 to see what's up. I tell her I have contractions
around 7-10 minutes apart, not too difficult, they last around 30
seconds. neither me, nor the midwife, nor pascal (that would be the DH)
are saying it, but all of us are thinking "this is taking too long".
she comes to see me at 10:30. tells me to go for a walk, sleep if I
can, take some sugar pills, and eat. tells us to update her around 1.
tells me I am dialated to 2, and the cervix is softer than before, but
has a ways to go.
the contractions get no stronger. they do move closer together.
finally around 3 they are 4-5 minutes apart, last about 45 seconds to a
minute. everyone is still thinking, though not admitting "this is
taking too long". midwife and pascal are really good at fooling me,
they keep telling me they think I am making great progress for a first
timer.
7 o'clock that night, still 4-5 minutes apart, but they really hurt.
they hurt bad. it feels like someone has pliers in me and is prying me
open. I am in tears. I call the midwife, she says "come on in, we have
to give you antibiotics (govt. policy) at 9:30 anyway because your
membranes ruptured so long ago." no problem.
so I go in. um... remember how I was dialated to 2 at 10am? 9 hours
later, I am at 3. however, I am 100% effaced. midwife and pascal tell
me this is normal and I know they are full of crap, but I really want to
believe them. they convince me effacing in and of itself is
progression.
contractions continue, 4-5 minutes apart. I am in serious pain. I can
handle it though, I just want to be making progress. I walk, I squat, I
bend, I get on all fours, I hang out on the toilet, all of it. finally
it dawns on me "water you idiot" so I get in the jacuzzi.
damn good idea. contractions come every 3 minutes, then every two
minutes. the bubble pressure makes them MUCH easier to deal with. I am
in lov e with the jacuzzi. midwife hears me yelling, comes in to check
on me since I finally am yelling more often and in a different way. it
is 10pm.
I am at 4 cm.
the contractions get worse. harder, really hard. I mean hard. I cry
and scream a lot. um, they are back to that 4-5 minute crap. I am
getting really really really worn out. but I still think I can do it.
even if it IS taking too long.
at 2 am, I am no longer so sure. I'm beating the walls with my fists,
screaming like hell, still walking, squatting, sitting on the toilet,
etc. midwife comes to check on me. she's confused that I have no push
urge. still the 4-5 minutes apart crap.
we're still at 4.
to make matters worse, olly is showing signs of fetal distress
(decreased movement, lower heartrate, etc) but nothing real serious.
she tells me to get in the tub, or rest on the bed (for some reason
lying down made the contractions feel even stronger on me). she tells
me "this may suck, but we need those contractions to be stronger,
harder, and longer to be more productive." I agree, I know she is
right. She and pascal are still beng really encouraging, feeding me
crap that this is normal, and lots of first time mothers hit a labor
plateau like this, and reassuring me I can do it.
I go back to the tub. the tub is set on a cycle, 5 minutes of jacuzzi,
15 minutes quiet, 5 minutes of jacuzzi. I turn on the jacuzzi. I relax
and feel better. we put on some mazzy starr music, turn off the lights,
and burn night opium incense. the jacuzzi stops. I've not had a
contraction. I am so relaxed and trying not to feel like a failure, and
exhausted that I don't think about it. I fall asleep. 15 minutes later
I am awakened by the jacuzzi. that's right. I've now gone 20 minutes
without a contraction. I sit there in the naive hope that the jacuzzi
turning on will restart them. the jacuzzi shuts off. nothing. I get
out, I feel determined that damnitt, I WILL get this baby out, I CAN do
this, now I need to get my shit together and get it done. as soon as I
get out, they restart.
I torture myself. I sit on the birthing stool, begging it to open me, I
hurt I ache, I walk, I lie on the bed. they come HARD. I am now
screaming during them, they are lasting two minutes. it is now 3 am.
midwife comes to check me.
yea.
you guessed it.
my friend 4 cm.
still showing fetal distress during my contractions.
she tells me to make the call.
I tell her that if I was at 8, even 6 or 7, I could do it. I really
could. but there is something wrong here. and I don't have the
strength to go to 10 at this pace. I think if Olly would have been
fine, I would have tried another hour or two. but I decided it wasn't
going to work.
so we went to the hospital for some pain relief and monitoring. now,
ever since I got to canada, all I ever bitch about is the TERRIBLE
bedside manners of the health care people here. well, they really made
up for it. I came in screaming and hysterical. and I know from my
experience in health care work that I was the kind of patient they hate
to deal with most (screaming and hysterical). so I apologized
profusely. a very nice and calm doctor came in, he was barely older
than me I think. he grabbed a stool and sat down so he was eye level
with me, and grabbed my hand, telling me to squeeze as hard as I could
during the contractions until the anesthesiologist got there. he said
"your husband tells me you used to be an OB/GYN student" I nod. "so we
can talk straight right?" I nod again. "ok, now I know what you're
scared of, you're scared we're gonna c-section you for failure to
progress, right?" I nod and start bawling. "shhh, we're not gonna go
there yet, ok? the baby is not in enough distress to merit surgery, so
let's not get our head in that place ok?" I nod. "let's talk pain
meds." I nod again "what do you want?" I said "an epidural sounds so
drastic" and he said "yea, it is drastic, but wendey, you need something
right now not to "take the edge off" but to block it out all together.
for some reason, it seems you are not allowing yourself to accept this
pain and progress" (will get into this psychobabble at the end) I knew
he was right and so I said "ok, let's do it." he says "we also need the
contractions to come stronger and closer together, and as you know an
epi is gonna most likely slow them, can I give you some (insert
something with an s here that I cannot remmeber) to make them
stronger?" I consent.
doctor comes in and I get my epidural. I cry because I feel like a
complete failure. I hurt, I ache, and I'm tired as hell. I keep
telling everyone I am sorry for everything. the anasthesiologist
apologizes for taking TEN MINUTES to get from OR to the LDR. I
personally thought that was good. he then apologizes that it isn't a
walking epi like I would have back home in nebraska. he then apologizes
for the fact that it hurts getting it put in. actually, it hurt more to
put it in than the worst of the contractions IMHO. I couldn't keep my
back curved which made me feel like more of a failure. I grabbed pascal
for leverage and he still has marks from my nails on his shoulders.
anyway, they finally got it in. I still feel like a failure for needing
medical intervention. however, I start to relax. they put a monitor on
my tummy, and olly is fine. he doesn't slow during contractions
anymore. (I can still feel them a bit, but I am merely 'aware' of them,
not FEELING them) the contraction meds are on an iv.
I talk to pascal for the next hour and a half, telling him I am sorry,
him telling me that he is amazed at what I did so far and the best is
yet to come. he has not slept in 24 hours, and he won't now. he
refuses to go home and rest.
um, the epidural wore off. the only thing numb are my thighs. I am
back into that screaming thing. the anasthesiologist comes back asap
and gives me something really strong. I fall into a sleep.
the next thing I know it is 20 minutes later and I am being woken up,
told to roll over, there are a TON of people in there, etc. pascal
holds my hand and tells me not to worry. I ask what is wrong. the
doctor says "the baby's heart rate is at 70-80. we need it higher" I
nod. everyone is being so nice and working with me, and trying really
hard to help me. they roll me over, and doctor notices that as soon as
I am ON MY BACK his heart beat goes up. how odd. "wait a minute" he
says "wendey, can I check your dialation?" I laugh. it is 6:45 am.
there is no way I am beyond 5 I figure.
try 10.
I start crying tears of joy, finally my body is doing something (albeit
drug induced) and I am not going to have to have a c-section. for some
reason olly's heart is fine while I semi sit or am on my back, so hey, I
can do that. (paid for it with a backache from hell the next day, I
don't care though. =) they tell me not to push, because since he is
fine now, they want to give him time to turn from posterior to anterior
on his own (he has already started.) I nod, breathe oxygen, and feel
better.
periodically (every 30 minutes or so) I get an incredible urge to push.
not a lot of pushes, but one or two. I know I am at 10, so I keep quiet
and just give a little shove now and then. I am not in the mood yet to
actively push. unbeknownst to me, they turned off my epidural when all
the ruckus about the heart rate started. still enough in me to KILL the
pain but I am more aware now. I can feel the baby moving inside my body
slowly getting close to coming out.
at 9, doctor checks and says "you can start pushing him out now anytime
you want"
I say "now would be fine"
I tell him I would really like to avoid an episiotomy. he says the only
way he will do one is if I ask or if baby's heart rate goes too low for
too long. I think that is great. I find out he's just a resident and
won't be delivering the baby, the other doc comes in.
I tell the other doc my episiotomy preference and ask if I can feed him
right away. she smiles and asks how else would someone do it? I feel a
lot better. =)
so at 9 I start pushing. this was the absolute best part. I finally
felt efficient, worthwhile, like I could do something, like my body was
not defective. I was good at this pushing thing! I was making noises
of course (since I could actually feel!) and my midwife was my coach.
she was afraid I was giving up again and I said "no way, I am nowhere
near giving up now, the tears are because I feel GOOD!" and I swear, I
DID feel good!
at 9:17 he is born. =)
pink, perfect, and no cying =)
no episiotomy, and no actual tear, just a scratch. =)
at 10 I get up and go to the bathroom. (stung a bit, spritz bottle
helped that.)
at 1 we left the hospital and went back to the birthing centre for
recovery. we still hadn't learned enough about breastfeeding, and
pascal REALLY needed some rest, and at the hospital there were like 6
people to a room, so we chose to recover there.
we slept for about 4 hours, all three of us together on the bed. =)
they made me feel a lot better about getting transfered, told me I gave
it one hell of a shot so i should not feel bad in any way shape or
form. I still get my picture on the wall because as far as they are
concerned I transfered out of medical necessity, and not just 'wimping
out'. that made me feel really good. I was still feeling like a
failure.
so, what did go wrong? why did my labor suck? well, it was a mental
thing, as I am sure any woman with a child already could tell from
reading this. I was so sure that I could A) control it B) control my
pain and my response to said pain C) that I was not scared of the pain
and D) that I would have a short labor. (since no one *I* knew ever
went more than 6-7 hours even with a first baby.. duh... how naive)
Also, I had done a lot of reading about "get any unresolved issues about
abuse or trauma or whatever out now before labor, or it WILL come up"
well, me being such a perfectionist thought I DID have all that shit
sorted out. yea right. I was even thinking during the labor "remember
when your stepmonster used to beat the crap out of you, it ended
eventually, as will this, just focus away from it" however, the pain
management techniques I learned as a kid were bad to transfer to this...
because I was fighting the pain, denying it's existence, tensing muscles
to combat it, etc. and I knew it was only going to get worse. that is
prolly why I leveled at 4.
my son is gorgeous. he has a ton of curly brown hair like his daddy,
sterling blue huge eyes, the pinkest softest skin, and a very
interesting 4 cm molding circle on his head from being stuck there sooo
long. he fed right away, although not very strongly or for very long.
We've now had 2 lactation consultants and one LLL leader and an
osteopath and 2 midwives come look at him, and all agree he has a jaw
placement and muscle tension problem that prevents him from sucking
right. me or a bottle. so, I went and got him some easy nipples (cuz
hey, I want to breastfeed more than ANYTHING but my baby needed food)
and now I pump with a hospital pump and feed him my milk still.
the midwife was scared I would have a 10 pounder, but he only ended up
being 7 pounds and ten ounces at 39 weeks and 4 days.
pascal was quite traumatized by this whole thing. he broke down and
cried the next morning about how awful it was seeing me in pain like
that, and how he was scared when the heartbeat went down to 70 that olly would
die. I just held him and told him "shh, it's all over now"
it is a month later, and I am only now realizing many things. like how
close to having a c-section i was. like how dangerous a 70 heart rate
really is. like how I was lucky I agreed with everything the docs were
doing, if I had a normal labor I would have had many less choices.
oddly, I am not still freaking over the pain. while I was having him I
was seriously thinking to myself "good god, why would anyone want
anything other than a scheduled c-section?" now? next time I do this,
I am going to try natural again, I am going to check my head first, and
I am gonna give it a damn good try again. I don't regret trying it and
not going straight for the epidural in the first place. I learned a lot
about my own strengths and weaknesses.
-wendey